Casting Ouch!

Rakhi Sawant has decided to play Mother Mary, in a new series based on the Bible, that is soon to premiere on television. I was shocked to hear of this and was wondering as to which poor soul could even think of even casting her as Mother Mary. Then I realise that Rakhi is producing the programme herself. She never ceases to wonder...!

This is a very good way of getting yourself noticed... Even I want to produce a TV soap now! I've got a few scripts in mind. And as I've learnt a valuable lesson from Ms./Mrs. (She changes her mind about marriage as swiftly as her clothes! [which anyway shouldn't take much time, considering the amount of clothes she wears!]) Sawant, I now know that casting is of utmost importance. So here goes my wish list for my serial(s)...

A TV adaptation of Devdas: Starring Salman Khan as Devdas who drives two girls mad behind him and then after drinking drives over innocent pedestrians. Paris Hilton will do Paro's role. It will be a tough assignment for her, considering she has to be a demure personality in it. Rakhi Sawant as Chandramukhi... Come on, she's the reigning dancing queen. And then, just imagine the face off between Hilton and Rakhi! I'm suddenly feeling sorry for Salman. Also to give company to Devdas will be Chunnilal's character played by Christiano Ronaldo. The end of the film will also change a little with Chunnilal's character running off with Paro. Casting coup!

A Hindi TV adaptation of Batman: Starring Bobby Darling as Batman/Bruce Wayne. I can already see the bouquets coming out! ::Thank you, thank you:: Anu Malik as Alfred. He has the brooding silence that is necessary for this role. Plus he adds one more facet to Alfred - that of incessantly quoting shayaris. Imagine Alfred saying: (Arz Hain) ::clearing throat, but not to much effect:: Batman is one of a kind, he puts fear in our hearts (repeat once more) He shall clear the city now, even of my dirty farts! Waah waah, kya baat hain! Our very own Raj Thackeray will play the award winning role of The Joker. He will then insist that the show be made in Marathi with the technicians, back-up artists, etc. too being sons of the soil. A hit!

A TV adaptation of Rock On!!: Himesh Reshammiya as the lead singer Aditya Shroff. He will also compose the music for the soap with the lead single being lifted from the title track of the film 'School of Rock'. Also to give competition to Farhan Akhtar, Himesh will sing all the 23 songs of the soap. Harman Baweja will enact guitarist Joe Mascarenhas. This is solely due to his picturisation in the song Jao Na from 'What's Your Rashee?' in which he plays the guitar so well. Dev Patel will play keyboardist Rob's role while Freida Pinto will play drummer KD's role. (Yay! Female Drummer!) The soap will be a big hit because of a) the music and b) Dev & Freida's pairing. Besides Freida will break up with Dev during the course of shooting and start going around with Himesh. Bad luck, Harman and Dev!

A Hindi TV adaptation of Romeo and Juliet: Starring Saif Ali Khan as Romeo and ::drumroll:: Kareena Kapoor as Juliet (You expected anyone else in that role? Saif wouldn't let that happen!). Kanye West will play the crazy character of Mercutio as only he can rap and talk and make senseless allegations at the same time. (Then later on at the Emmy Awards, when Anu Malik is receiving his award for Best Actor in a Supporting Role for Batman, Kanye will run upon stage, make baseless allegations saying that Christiano Ronaldo deserved the award more [because of which Anu Malik will cry "racial discrimination"] and run away with the award.) Shahid Kapur will play the role of the villain Tybalt - Juliet's brother as he hates Romeo and and doesn't want Juliet to get married to him. In the course of shooting Kareena will break up with Saif and run away with Kanye. Apparently she wasn't satisfied with romancing Sylvester Stallone in Kambhakht Ishk. Saif and Shahid will then become chaddi buddies and sing Golddigger "She take my money, well I'm in need. Yeah she's a triflin' friend indeed. Oh she's a gold digger way over time, That digs on me" in memory of their ex-girlfriend. Superhit!

Last but not the least, after producing four soaps for television, I shall move on to the 70mm with a screen adaptation of Indian and world politics. It will be called Rajniti. (Can Raj Thackeray sue me for this? By the way, Prakash Jha will not be able to sue me over the title because my title is spelt Rajniti while his is spelt Rajneeti) Sherlyn Chopra will play the role of Sonia Gandhi while Amitabh Bachchan, after getting inspired by Ranbir Kapoor, Akshay Kumar, Salman Khan (ouch!) and Saif Ali Khan, will sport a turban to play Manmohan Singh's character. Shah Rukh Khan will play Osama Bin Laden for which he'll have to go on an express diet and become anorexic. Akon will play Barack Obama while his wife Michelle Obama will be portrayed by Aishwarya Rai. Boman Irani will play George Bush's character - a person much needed as a comic relief in this emotional and high voltage drama. Ranbir Kapoor will play French President Nicolas Sarkozy while Deepika Padukone will play his bikini-totting wife Carla Bruni and will provide the romantic angle in this film. Aamir Khan and Farhan Akhtar will make guest appearances in the film as Raj Thackeray and his new politics boy Sachin Tendulkar respectively. Wallah!

I wanted Jackie Chan as some Chinese politico but I don't think he'll be having free dates. No worries! I'll cast him for my next film on Indian football as Bhaichung Bhutia. Hopefully my soaps and films will be successful. I also hope that some of the actors go on to win big awards at the international level (::sniff sniff::) and pray that Aamir Khan attends the awards ceremony. Till next time then, dream on!