Why I Failed My Exams...

Top 10 reasons students will give when they fail their exams this semester: 

1. I was busy watching Twenty20 cricket. Otago Volts versus Trinidad and Tobago. It was a very interesting match. I couldn't take my eyes off it. (Although I feel the studies might have been more interesting!)

2. The firecrackers disturbed me, I want an eco-friendly Diwali. Curse those F*#@ing children!

3. My girlfriend gave me sleepless nights. (Not to be taken in a figurative manner! You dirty mind!) She wanted me to marry her as quickly as possible or she would apply for her swayamvaar programme on television.

4. I was hooked onto Orkut and Facebook 24/7. In fact on a quiz on fB, I got the result that I'll get 10% in the exams. At least I got 25% and proved them wrong!

5. I was continuously going to church to pray to God. (You know the reason! No, you dumbo! Not for my studies, but for my girlfriend!)

6. I was busy reading Five Point Someone. I related so much to the lead character, that I also felt like failing my exams in order to empathise with his character.

7. The doctor diagnosed me with cramophobia. He told me to stay away from studies, especially from all textbooks with a fine print as that would give me an even severe headache!

8. Our teachers told us to watch films as assignments and analyse it. Unfortunately I forgot the latter part and overdid the former!

9. I was thinking of various topics to write about in my blog as I had not put up anything for a long time. People were anxiously awaiting my next post. So obviously I had to spend a lot of time researching and thinking about my next one!

10. I was fulfilling my civic duty by finding information about the politicians in our area who were standing for elections. You should be proud of me, mom. I voted for the very first time. What is more important? Getting good marks, or having a good government? (Unfortunately no political party had a manifesto stating that it would abolish exams!)

Casting Ouch!

Rakhi Sawant has decided to play Mother Mary, in a new series based on the Bible, that is soon to premiere on television. I was shocked to hear of this and was wondering as to which poor soul could even think of even casting her as Mother Mary. Then I realise that Rakhi is producing the programme herself. She never ceases to wonder...!

This is a very good way of getting yourself noticed... Even I want to produce a TV soap now! I've got a few scripts in mind. And as I've learnt a valuable lesson from Ms./Mrs. (She changes her mind about marriage as swiftly as her clothes! [which anyway shouldn't take much time, considering the amount of clothes she wears!]) Sawant, I now know that casting is of utmost importance. So here goes my wish list for my serial(s)...

A TV adaptation of Devdas: Starring Salman Khan as Devdas who drives two girls mad behind him and then after drinking drives over innocent pedestrians. Paris Hilton will do Paro's role. It will be a tough assignment for her, considering she has to be a demure personality in it. Rakhi Sawant as Chandramukhi... Come on, she's the reigning dancing queen. And then, just imagine the face off between Hilton and Rakhi! I'm suddenly feeling sorry for Salman. Also to give company to Devdas will be Chunnilal's character played by Christiano Ronaldo. The end of the film will also change a little with Chunnilal's character running off with Paro. Casting coup!

A Hindi TV adaptation of Batman: Starring Bobby Darling as Batman/Bruce Wayne. I can already see the bouquets coming out! ::Thank you, thank you:: Anu Malik as Alfred. He has the brooding silence that is necessary for this role. Plus he adds one more facet to Alfred - that of incessantly quoting shayaris. Imagine Alfred saying: (Arz Hain) ::clearing throat, but not to much effect:: Batman is one of a kind, he puts fear in our hearts (repeat once more) He shall clear the city now, even of my dirty farts! Waah waah, kya baat hain! Our very own Raj Thackeray will play the award winning role of The Joker. He will then insist that the show be made in Marathi with the technicians, back-up artists, etc. too being sons of the soil. A hit!

A TV adaptation of Rock On!!: Himesh Reshammiya as the lead singer Aditya Shroff. He will also compose the music for the soap with the lead single being lifted from the title track of the film 'School of Rock'. Also to give competition to Farhan Akhtar, Himesh will sing all the 23 songs of the soap. Harman Baweja will enact guitarist Joe Mascarenhas. This is solely due to his picturisation in the song Jao Na from 'What's Your Rashee?' in which he plays the guitar so well. Dev Patel will play keyboardist Rob's role while Freida Pinto will play drummer KD's role. (Yay! Female Drummer!) The soap will be a big hit because of a) the music and b) Dev & Freida's pairing. Besides Freida will break up with Dev during the course of shooting and start going around with Himesh. Bad luck, Harman and Dev!

A Hindi TV adaptation of Romeo and Juliet: Starring Saif Ali Khan as Romeo and ::drumroll:: Kareena Kapoor as Juliet (You expected anyone else in that role? Saif wouldn't let that happen!). Kanye West will play the crazy character of Mercutio as only he can rap and talk and make senseless allegations at the same time. (Then later on at the Emmy Awards, when Anu Malik is receiving his award for Best Actor in a Supporting Role for Batman, Kanye will run upon stage, make baseless allegations saying that Christiano Ronaldo deserved the award more [because of which Anu Malik will cry "racial discrimination"] and run away with the award.) Shahid Kapur will play the role of the villain Tybalt - Juliet's brother as he hates Romeo and and doesn't want Juliet to get married to him. In the course of shooting Kareena will break up with Saif and run away with Kanye. Apparently she wasn't satisfied with romancing Sylvester Stallone in Kambhakht Ishk. Saif and Shahid will then become chaddi buddies and sing Golddigger "She take my money, well I'm in need. Yeah she's a triflin' friend indeed. Oh she's a gold digger way over time, That digs on me" in memory of their ex-girlfriend. Superhit!

Last but not the least, after producing four soaps for television, I shall move on to the 70mm with a screen adaptation of Indian and world politics. It will be called Rajniti. (Can Raj Thackeray sue me for this? By the way, Prakash Jha will not be able to sue me over the title because my title is spelt Rajniti while his is spelt Rajneeti) Sherlyn Chopra will play the role of Sonia Gandhi while Amitabh Bachchan, after getting inspired by Ranbir Kapoor, Akshay Kumar, Salman Khan (ouch!) and Saif Ali Khan, will sport a turban to play Manmohan Singh's character. Shah Rukh Khan will play Osama Bin Laden for which he'll have to go on an express diet and become anorexic. Akon will play Barack Obama while his wife Michelle Obama will be portrayed by Aishwarya Rai. Boman Irani will play George Bush's character - a person much needed as a comic relief in this emotional and high voltage drama. Ranbir Kapoor will play French President Nicolas Sarkozy while Deepika Padukone will play his bikini-totting wife Carla Bruni and will provide the romantic angle in this film. Aamir Khan and Farhan Akhtar will make guest appearances in the film as Raj Thackeray and his new politics boy Sachin Tendulkar respectively. Wallah!

I wanted Jackie Chan as some Chinese politico but I don't think he'll be having free dates. No worries! I'll cast him for my next film on Indian football as Bhaichung Bhutia. Hopefully my soaps and films will be successful. I also hope that some of the actors go on to win big awards at the international level (::sniff sniff::) and pray that Aamir Khan attends the awards ceremony. Till next time then, dream on!

Titanic Inspired...

A few days back I received an sms from a friend. You must've read it before.

"Rajnikanth is remaking Titanic with some changes. In the end, he doesn't die but swims across the ocean... With the heroine in one hand and the Titanic in the other..."

Well I did laugh at the foolishness of this message. At the same time it set me thinking... Is the quality of films in India still so bad?

I don't think so. OK, I know that there are many nonsensical films that come out every year and still manage to recover its costs. Few recent examples are Welcome, Singhh Iss Kingg, ChandniChowk To China, Kambhakth Ishk, Tashan, etc... (Is it a coincidence that all films mentioned above are AK films?) But besides this the Indian film industry has come out with many gems. A few recent ones would be Taare Zameen Par (unplagiarised, so arty yet so commercial. Hats off to Aamir Khan!), Dev.D, Luck By Chance, Johnny Gaddaar (film noir arrives in Hindi films, albeit silently), Jaane Tu... Ya Jaane Naa, Rock On!!, A Wednesday and more recently Kaminey (film noir arrives with a bang!) Whew! That's a long list of good films.

Some might argue that if our films are so good then how come it never wins (or sometimes even nominated for) the Oscars. Well people need to understand that there's a huge cultural difference in the West and in India. People in the West do not view the film from the same perspective that we do. People might not have understood the concept behind TZP just because dyslexic children may not be treated so badly there while for us in India, people are still not aware about it... Similar is the case with A Wednesday... In the US and the UK, anti terrorism laws are in place while being very stringent unlike the laws here in India... The audience there will not understand the angst and helplessness among the people of India who are fed up with the constant inactivity on the part of the government...

The script is finally getting top billing in India. We can see the trend with the flop list I've mentioned above... But at the same time actors, or rather stars, are totally necessary in a country like ours. Lagaan or TZP would not have been successful without Aamir Khan's name attached to it. Neither would have Chak De India without Shah Rukh Khan or Love Aaj Kal without Saif Ali Khan.

I'm looking forward to some more script-strenghtened films in the future from the Hindi stable. Wake Up Sid, 3 Idiots, Kites, My Name Is Khan, Delhi Belly are just a few...

Now I revert back to that sms joke. After I read that sms, I also began wondering what would be the actual story of Titanic if it was remade in India. Well I went into daydreaming mode and came up with a good script. (Mind you, this is copyrighted by me!) In keeping with the habit of Indian directors to plagiarise from other films, I too have done the same.

The film starts with a cruise ship called the Tata-nic making its maiden voyage from Karachi to Bombay. On board are 4456 (exactly the double of Titanic) passengers including the crew. This is the first of its kind ship started by the two neighbouring countries to promote peace and harmony. The ship is packed to its brims just like the local trains of Bombay.

On board the ship are 2 twin brothers (Kaminey) named Jackie and Charlie (played by Imran Khan), who are actually terrorists with a suitcase that contains a bomb. They fall in love with a girl called Rosy (played by Deepika Padukone) who happens to be the Indian Prime Minister's daughter. One night at the dinner party on the ship, both the twins get drunk and wake up directly the next morning all woozy, and not being able to recollect the happenings of the previous night. (The Hangover) The suitcase is missing from their room and they start searching frantically for it. At the same time a pirate ship attacks the Tata-nic (Pirates of the Caribbean, only here it's more like Pirates of the Arabian!) The pirates, headed by Captain Jackie Crow (played by Hrithik Roshan), start ransacking the entire ship during which they find the suitcase. They are about to open it when Rosy gets her sten-gun out n starts firing at the pirates (Kaminey). The twins rush to help her and eventually the ship is saved.

Rosy then tells them that the suitcase was in her room the previous night. The twins start wondering as to how it landed there when Rosy tells that she had sexual intercourse with Jackie the previous night. Both the twins are startled and start worrying as they were not supposed to do anything else on the ship besides planting the bomb. Charlie is shocked that his brother could go to such an extent. Meanwhile Rosy's brother, D(h)ope, (played by Saif Ali Khan) overhears everything and goes into fight mode. In the bargain the suitcase falls into one of the pipes and it blasts. The people start panicking.

During this time both the twins have gone through a change of heart and try helping people. Rosy is distraught to know that her lover is a terrorist. (New York) Dhope is still on a killing spree and he injures Jackie. Charlie comes and shoots him. Rosy is further pushed to tears but she decides that she must support her lover in his time of need and not her brother. (Romeo And Juliet) Jackie is losing blood profusely while Charlie and Rosy try to help him. Jackie knows he's about to die and so entrusts Rosy to Charlie's care (Kal Ho Naa Ho) while saying, "Woman, behold your lover." (Biblical Allusion)

The ship is sinking in full swing. Meanwhile the ship's authorities are trying to rescue the people in order of caste and wealth, while taking a bribe from then at the same time. Lots were also being cast for the weak lifeboats. (Biblical Allusion) So the politicians, diplomats and landlords are already being put down in the lifeboats. The ship breaks into half (like a KitKat) with the lights flickering at first and then totally dimming. Charlie and Rosy hold on to the railings of the ship while the ship gets pulled in. Charlie instructs Rosy to hold her breath and start swimming, which they eventually do. But alas! the Tata-nic sinks and with it, pulls all the other people and the lifeboats due to its suction power. Miraculously one weak lifeboat is left, with the bribe money in it, in which our couple get onto. The couple float in the lifeboat for days without food or drinking water during which Charlie says, "Water, water everywhere, and not a drop to drink." (From the poem 'The Rime Of The Ancient Mariner' by S. Coleridge)

Eventually they see land and quickly swim towards it. They find out that it is a deserted island. (The Lord Of The Flies, Castaway, Madagascar). They roam around building a shelter and exploring the island while also making love to each other. (The Blue Lagoon) And thus they live happily ever after with 1 kid who turns green due to the extreme climate on the island. (Shrek)

Questions Waiting to be Answered...

Some questions that have always got me thinking... Some are damn mind-boggling too...

Why are child actors not considered as child labour?

How does one horoscope in the newspaper apply to so many people who share the same sign?

What should I do if I'm getting married and my horoscope for that day says that 'relationships are going to take a turn for the worse'?

How come the sequels to a film never usually match up to the original? (Notable Exceptions: Indiana Jones Series, Shrek & Nolan's Batman Series)

Why is Shah Rukh Khan considered as an actor with just one facial expression when he's played many different roles, such as that of a villain in Anjaam, Darr, Baazigar; a romantic hero in Veer-Zaara, DDLJ, KKHH, etc.; comedy in Duplicate, Yes Boss, Kabhi Haan Kabhi Naa, etc.; ground-breaking roles in Swades and Chak De India and at the same time won so many awards for it too?

How come no one noticed Rob Pattinson in Harry Potter 4 or 5, but only in Twilight? Was it the excessive make-up?

Why do people consider Jim Carrey as only a comedian when he has carried out serious roles in films like The Truman Show, The Majestic, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, The Number 23, etc.?

How come Titanic hasn't been adapted (copied, rather) for an Indian audience yet? (In the Indian version, the hero and the heroine will be the only ones to survive along with the heavy suitcase of the villain which is full of money and shares. After this they will break into a romantic song in which the they will swim [read: run] around the ship [read: tree])

How come Pritam's plagiarised songs sound better than the ones from which he has shamelessly lifted?

Considering the West's point of view that Slumdog Milionaire was AR Rahman's best work to date (thanks to the Oscar) then what will happen when they hear the soundtrack to the films Rang De Basanti, Delhi 6, Lagaan, Saathiya, etc.?

Whom should I believe- the church who says that Hotel California has Antichrist traces or Eagles themselves who have denied such allegations? (Considering that bands usually never hide the themes or the ideas that inspired them to write their songs.)

Why did my parents ever feed me with the sugar-coated story of Santa Claus if they had to break the bubble later on?

If boredom gets your creative juices flowing (as my friend Julie once said), them what about lack of sleep? (Considering that this entire post was born due staying awake till 3am because of lack of sleep!)

How does the fast train manage to move slower than the slow train?

How in the world did Akshay Kumar films like Singgh Is Kingg and Welcome become hits? (Thank God CC2C, Tashan & Kambhakht Ishq flopped!!!)

Will the style that is so much in vogue nowadays be called the retro style 30-40 years later?

We have had rock stars like Freddie Mercury (Queen), Steven Tyler (Aerosmith), Kurt Cobain (Nirvana) and Axl Rose (Guns N' Roses) as our idols in music so long that we look up to them even today... 30-40 years hence who will be that generation's icons? Anthony Kiedis (Red Hot Chili Peppers), Dave Matthews (Dave Matthews Band), Eddie Vedder (Pearl Jam), Billie Joe Armstrong (Green Day), Chris Martin (Coldplay) OR Akon, 50 Cent, Enrique Iglesias, Shakira, Flo Rida, Eminem?????

If people hear from one ear and let it out through the other ear, does it mean that they do not have a brain in the middle to register anything?

When is the next reality show coming out? 'Iss Reality Show Se Mujhe Bachao' - the show in which 10 contestants will stay in a house while facing an onslaught of various other reality shows (like Himesh Reshammiya's Roti act in SaReGaMaPa, Rakhi Ka Swayamvar [or whoever else they manage to get], Iss Jungle Se Mujhe Bachao, Bigg Boss, etc. Maybe an international reality show like Paris Hilton's Best Friends Forever can also be added for the contestants with an international taste!) The contestants will stay in the house for only 40 days. (Come on, if Jesus could fast in the desert for us for 40 days, we can surely bear the 'torture'!)

Questionnaire

1-Get the closest book, go to page 18 and write the 4th line down.
Estragon: If it hangs you it'll hang anything.
From the Samuel Beckett play 'Waiting for Godot'.

2- What’s the last thing you’ve watched on TV?
Rakhi ka Swayamwar

3- Without checking, guess what time it is?
2300 hrs.

4- Check, it is…
2301 hrs!

5- Outside of the computer noise, what do you hear?
The fan, Rakhi ka Swayamwar in the hall room (Yes, my parents are watching it and so I was forced to watch it while having dinner).

6- When you got out the last time, what did you do ?
I went to my Grandma's place at Dadar today morning to give and get some stuff! Family Barter System...

7- What are you wearing?
Green 3/4ths and nothing on top.

8- Before answering this questionnaire, what were you doing?
Checking William and Julie's blog of the same post.

9- Did you dream last night?
I was dreaming during my afternoon siesta today too.

10- When is the last time you laughed?
20 minutes back when I was giving sarcastic sniggers while my parents were watching the 'programme'.

11- What is on the wall of the room you’re in?
Bare Walls...

12- Did you see something strange today?
I was watching TV 20 minutes back, remember? Isn't that strange enough!?

13- What do you think of this questionnaire?
Nice and interesting.

14- What’s the last movie you watched?
The Dark Knight about an hour back and Batman Begins yesterday. (Joker Rules! Why so Serious!?)

15- Should you be multimillionaire, what’s the first thing you would buy?
Books for myself to read and hire some films to watch too.

16- Tell us something about you we don’t already know:
I am scared of dying early.

17- If you could change something in the world outside, what would you change?
I would get in Freedom of Expression...

18- Do you like to dance?
No, because I can't!

19- What would be your daughter’s name?
Audrey

20- And your son’s?
Rafael

21- Did you ever think of living abroad?
NO!

22- What will God tell you when you go through heaven’s gates?
Nothing at all. He's speechless!

23- Who are the next victims for this questionnaire?
Freedom of Choice, not forcing anyone.

The ME Quiz

BASIC INFO
Birthday: 2 November 1989
Hug or Kiss?: Depends on WHO it is...
Do you own a cell phone?: Irritating people with my missed calls since 2004
You like to text?: Julie might answer this better...
Have any tattoos?: A small crucifix on my right hand, got it when I was 3.

FAVE
Saying: Looks Are Deceptive
Alcoholic Drink: Wine (Actually I don't drink anything else...)

HAVE U EVER
Jumped off a house: Sorry, I don't have suicidal tendencies like you do!
Sex in a public place?: How about sex in a private place first???
Been arrested: No, but the police made me feel as if I committed some big crime by accompanying a girl to the police station just because she wanted to lodge a complaint about her lost cell phone.
Fantasised about a co-worker: A co-student, yes! Many-a-times.
Cried during a movie: I'm crying over the state of movies these days...

DO U
Read the newspaper: YES!
Believe in ghosts: Nope
Like winning: Competition is my third name (the second is Narcissism).
Believe in love at first sight: As Julie said, its only lust at first sight
Wear contacts or glasses: Clear vision...

WHAT IS
Something you know that most don't: Meet me, I'll tell you according to what you want to know.
Your biggest fear: I'm in TY, so its as good as your guess...
Last thing you said: "Why?"
What's the shortest distance between two points?: What do I know? Ask the two points?!

THIS/ THAT
Cats/Dogs: Cats
Summer/Winter: Winter
Beer/Wine: Wine
Money/Love: Love
Phone/In Person: In person, anytime!

RELATIONSHIP
Do you have a bf/gf, if so specify: No
Are you in love?: No.
Outgoing or introverted?: Outgoing, though can remain by myself at times.
Do you believe that you are a good bf/gf?: Everyone likes to believe that they are a good bf/gf!
Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance?: No, not everyone...

Stereotypes

Lectures have started in full swing and till now it has been very enjoyable, what with us studying Film and Pop Culture. Both are very interesting but I might show a slight leaning towards Pop Culture as it deals with (as the name suggests) what is popular with the public. It also deals with the mentality of society and therefore their likings and dis likings. It also deals with my favourite topic - stereotypes!

Pop Culture talks about how our advertisements and films have put things in our minds which we start believing without questioning. For instance, our films and especially our TV soaps put into our minds the status that should be accorded to women, which most of the times is digressive and backward.

But I was very happy to find out that this is changing a bit at least on TV. There's this new soap running on Sony - Ladies Special. There was this particular scene that they showed yesterday on the soap which ran into today's episode too. I'll now tell you in short what the scene was about.

The mother is with her daughter waiting on the platform for the train to arrive. The daughter is wearing a top and skirt. Some hooligans start teasing her with one even going to the extent of bending down to see under the skirt. The mom notices this and starts hollering but no one comes forward to help her. She tries to get the police who reluctantly comes with her. During this time all the hooligans have run away and even the eye witnesses deny seeing anyone or anything happening. The havaldar too says that one usually can't do anything about such things. (Talk about realistic situations!)

Anyway the next day, the mother decides to take her daughter for shopping again! (Ok, this was one stereotype that took place in the soap. How come all girls like shopping?) The daughter wears a full length kurta that covers her legs entirely. Her mom replies by asking why has she not worn her favourite clothes and the daughter gives the reason that after what happened the previous day she wanted to avoid an encore. But her mom tells her something that I'll remember for ages to come: No one can teach us or tell us what is right or what is wrong. And then she explained to her that giving away your identity just for some stupid idiots, was foolish. For once a girl in our Indian soaps wasn't criticised for wearing Western clothes. Not surprisingly, this soap isn't a K serial!

This soap can herald about a change in society because as Pop Culture shows, society always tends to follow whatever happens in soaps or films or books. I also think that this is a fitting reply to the stupidity that took place a few days back in Madhya Pradesh where a college banned girls from wearing T-shirts and jeans because they thought that it will help in curbing harassment. What I don't understand is, why don't they do something to stop boys from harassing the girls rather than placing restrictions upon the girls?

And as for the sari, burqa or salwar kameez being more protective against ill-mannered elements in society, the argument doesn't carry weight. Most of the girls who get molested or raped are most of the time wearing the Indian clothes I've mentioned above rather than the Western imports. And anyway a man hell-bent on raping a lady will do so irrespective of whether she's covered from head-to-toe or wearing a swimsuit.

I'm obviously pleased to see soaps like this. Hopefully our K serials will also learn something and show something wiser the next time. I know its difficult to do away with stereotypes but an effort can always be made to erase the marks left on society by these 4th century BC beliefs.